Self confidence is inside each of us

At almost 30 years old I have managed to build my self-confidence, but it was something that took time and intentionality. 

For most of my life, I haven’t considered myself a very confident person. There was an exact moment when I went from being a confident kid to one that felt like they needed to hide parts of themselves away from the world. It all started with noticing the way a teacher looked at my feet when I walked. Yes, my feet. 
You see I was diagnosed with mild Cerebral Palsy at age two. 

In my early years, Cerebral Palsy wasn’t something that I concerned myself with much. It was just something that was a part of me, like having blonde hair and green eyes. 

My parents did a great job of normalizing my diagnosis for me. It wasn’t anything that was good or bad. It was just something about me that required some extra care and time - a few extra doctor’s appointments here and there and some fun physical therapy sessions where I could win prizes. In fact, sometimes it even meant a few special trips to McDonalds with my dad to get breakfast after an appointment before I had to go back to school or some fancy new shoes that could comfortably fit my leg braces. But, in one moment, a moment when I noticed someone looking down at my feet as I walked, everything changed. This is the moment when I started feeling different - when CP became something that was bad, something that was wrong with me. 

This is the moment where I noticed I walked with a limp, differently than everyone else. This is the moment when I realized not everyone had to buy two different sized shoes or go to physical therapy or get painful Botox shots in their calf. 

After this experience I started to notice more things. I noticed the well-meaning questions asking if I was hurt. I noticed more looks toward my feet as I walked. I noticed that I couldn’t do some of the things that everyone else could do. And this is when I started to hide. 

I would strategically walk behind people so they wouldn’t notice the way I walked or ask questions. I would make up excuses to get out of physical activity during recess or PE. I would put extra effort into what I wore or how I looked to distract attention from what I could not change. I know now as an adult the impact was an attack on my self-confidence. 

This hit my confidence so early and affected so much of the way that I saw myself and my abilities. I got into the habit of immediately discrediting myself before I even gave myself the chance to try. My confidence told me that I was incapable and I believed it as fact. This belief followed me until I graduated from college. At the time I was so deeply unhappy with myself that it started to affect my mental health. I was over 50 pounds overweight and my mobility was steadily declining. Something was going to have to change and it was going to have to start with me. 

Like many young, 20-something women I started with my outward appearance. I thought if I could lose the weight I would start to feel more confident about myself, so (ironically) I did the only thing that I was physically capable of doing… I started walking. Everyday I started walking on the treadmill. Slowly at first, but as I got stronger, I got faster. And as I got stronger and faster, something else started to change. 

I started - for the first time - to believe in my abilities and in myself. I was keeping the promises I made to myself. I was showing myself what I was capable of, and that was a whole lot more than what I was giving myself credit for. Soon, the weight no longer mattered. What I looked like on the outside no longer mattered because my confidence started to come from within. And the more I started to strengthen my self-confidence, the more I realized that everyone has something they struggle with. Everyone has something that they feel like they need to hide from others. 

Regardless of what you struggle with, whether it be a disability or something different, know that your differences don’t change who YOU are as a person. You deserve to feel good about yourself no matter what you may feel is “wrong” with you. Your confidence - lasting confidence - has to start with you. It’s not something an outfit, accomplishment, partner, or career can give you. 

My journey started with fitness, but yours can start anywhere. Start by keeping the promises you make to yourself. Start by challenging yourself to do the things you never thought you could do. Change your thoughts from “I could never do that!” to “I could try to do that.” 

And remember: You are capable. You are worthy. You are exactly as you were meant to be.