The Relationship That Shapes Every Other One

Hey there. Who are you for yourself?

I ask that question a lot, and every time I do, I notice how uncomfortable it makes people. It used to make me uncomfortable too. We are so used to defining ourselves by roles. Parent. Partner. Caregiver. Employee. Boss. Friend. The dependable one. The strong one. The one who keeps everything moving.

Those answers come quickly.

What takes more time is answering the question when all of that is stripped away. When it is just you, standing in front of a mirror, showing up with yourself, who are you then?

If you have been on a weight loss journey for years, you already know how loaded that moment can be. Mirrors have rarely felt neutral. For many people, they have been places of judgment, comparison, and quiet disappointment. You look and immediately start evaluating what needs to change. What is wrong. What still is not good enough.

I know that space well.

Growing up with cerebral palsy, fitting in felt like the ultimate goal. I wanted to blend in, to not stand out, to look like everyone else. That hyper awareness followed me into adulthood in ways I did not fully recognize at first. It turned into being overly critical. It turned into believing that if I could just fix enough things, I would finally feel comfortable being me.

That mindset shows up constantly in fitness.

People come into weight loss believing they need to correct themselves into worthiness. Lose the weight, then you can relax. Fix your habits, then you can be proud. Build discipline first, then you can be kind to yourself.

But that order keeps people stuck.

Real change does not start with punishment. It starts with connection. It starts with learning how to show up for yourself with honesty and compassion at the same time.

That does not mean letting yourself off the hook. Accountability still matters. Actions still matter. Consistency still matters. But when accountability comes without kindness, it turns into burnout. When progress is driven only by criticism, it eventually collapses.

I see this play out with exercise all the time. Someone forces themselves into a routine they hate because they think suffering is part of the deal. They push hard for a few weeks, maybe a few months, then life happens. Energy drops. Motivation fades. And instead of adjusting, they quit and tell themselves they failed again.

The same thing happens with food. Years of dieting teaches people to distrust themselves. Every choice feels loaded. Every meal feels like a test. There is guilt whether you eat the thing or avoid it. That constant pressure makes it almost impossible to build something you actually enjoy.

This is why I talk so much about an inside/out approach.

Nobody can show up for you the way you can. Other people can support you, encourage you, and walk alongside you. But the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for everything else. Fitness. Food. Work. Relationships. Boundaries. Energy.

When you start asking who you are for yourself, you also start noticing where you are stretched too thin. Where you are over giving. Where you are showing up for everyone else while quietly running on empty. That awareness matters. Not so you can blow everything up overnight, but so you can begin making small adjustments that protect your energy and your sense of self.

One of the most powerful shifts I see in people is when they stop trying to become someone else and start supporting who they already are. Workouts become something they choose, not something they punish themselves with. Food becomes something they work with, not fight against. Life feels less like a constant performance and more like something they are allowed to participate in fully.

You were never broken. You were never behind. You were never not good enough.

If anything, you have spent years trying to earn something you already deserved.

Learning to show up for yourself is not a one time decision. It is a daily practice. Sometimes it looks like doing the workout. Sometimes it looks like resting. Sometimes it looks like having the hard conversation. Sometimes it looks like letting go of expectations that no longer fit your life.

The question remains the same.

Who are you for yourself today?

And how can you show up with a little more kindness than you did yesterday?